I’m currently in a situation where self blame is one of the most evident feelings in my life. I look and seem to believe that I am the cause of my of the issues that going on. The sad and daunting fact I maybe part to blame, not with the cause of the issues but the elaboration of them.
I am currently living in a house where my live-in-landlord is an aggressive man. All the textbook traits of an abuser are there, the aggression, the use of his physical presence in conversation, his loud manner, righteous behaviour and constant need for approval and care. I do feel sorry for him but my god, he petrifies me and the other girlies that live with him.
In my last affair, I call it an affair as I felt conditioned, I feel I didn’t do anything wrong. I use the term wrong loosely and I shall explain why.
I don’t think anything prepares you to what you feel when your confidence is lacking. What I mean is, it doesn’t have a particular feeling or a specific cause or symptom that makes you go;
‘Oh shit, I’m lacking confidence’
You don’t stop and say let me get my mind into gear and build up on those positive thoughts. The fucker creeps up on you like a dark shadow.
Over the past 4 weeks, I have had the luxurious opportunity to blend life, work and pleasure all into one and attempt to enjoy London at its quietest time of year. It’s been years since I’ve seen it this quiet though, maybe even a bit too quiet for my liking.
It has given me time to do things that usually never get to do at home. Putting up that shelf, alphabetically ordering my books, selling the CD’s I never use and just being la-di-da around the house. It has also let me focus myself too, other than all those prettifying things we do to our hair and nails, it has also let me focus moi. So, so hippy of me, I know, but here one I wanted to share, it’s called hindsight.
Posted in Life, Random
Tagged Anger, tantrum