I believe that there is no point stressing about the inevitable and I’m a moaner and controller so can stress about anything. The inevitable is however out of my control and I can’t change it, so why stress over it?
I have been in many situations before in my life and as a typical Leo, I have tried to control all the variables in it, the X person, the Y person, the timing and place for an outcome of joint harmony. So to say more often then so it did not worked and the thing I’ve wanted to avoid happened. For example, confronting a friend, I tried avoiding it most of the time as I used to babble and sound defensive, and I hate sounding defensive because I look feeble and guilty. And if the tension is high I end up with words stuffed into my mouth that later regret saying. I get upset, the person across me gets upset; and the hue-ha ends poorly. Poorly as I would moan and groan about the unfortunate tug of war for decades.
So I brought my unsatisfied self to Istanbul and I tried to set up a life away from the hustle and bustle I had ended up building up over time by avoiding confrontation. I thought I had left it in London. And still in the first 7-8 months I was left with the same reactions and confrontations I thought I could avoid. My manager, my parents, a few friends, relatives, ex’s and newbies were all expecting explanations to things I deeply wanted to avoid giving.
My initial thought was ‘if you are not willing understand then I am just as willing not to explain’. And that was my mistake. For those you care and need around you, you need to give an explanation too no matter how hurtful.
Sitting around and thinking about all this one day, firstly I realised that this was a habit passed on to me from my lovely accusative ex-man. He the man of my life had so imposed guilt into me that I had started over the years to reflect that around me.
And secondly as sad it sounds, I feel I had shut my confidence up in a little box and carried it around with me securely locked up, as if it was intangible and noble. I thought my ways were the crown of honour that no one had access to it. Not even my loved ones. I thought it had timings and places that it was to be used and only in times of confrontation was it needed. Making me sound to confident, bossy and most annoyingly defensive. So my inevitable conversations seemed scary and my defensive manner was my outburst of confidence and my honourable self-protection was flimsy and weak.
Consequently I stopped trying to prove myself, I stopped being so adamant in avoiding the situation and instantly the energy and tension in these conversations changed. I for once stopped appearing defensive and the other stopped attacking, and I let inevitable tension packed conversations come my way. Oh good I was on a roll, I triumphed over the sense of power that came over me and enjoyed the feeling of being more open.
I decided that my confidence and self-righteous habits were not bad and reminded myself that they were in fact constantly changeable; hence I reversed my behaviour by attacking my arrogance and fears. I reminded myself that I am changeable and my inevitable confrontations were just adjustments to my thoughts that I very much-needed. These adjustments adapted me and helped me grow from phase to phase. I reversed the energy pull and accepted and adopted.
Talking about energy and being more open I did something else recently that put an extra smile on my neurotic face. While thinking and discussing all this with two lovely friends we thought recycling our own metaphysical environment. Leading to a few very uplifting conclusions about recycling.
OK, so these neurotics thoughts about my past and how it would not let go of me, or how I would not let go of it. The neurotic thoughts even about how unlucky I am and what I did to deserve all of this are blurry thoughts that were deluding my present and my future.
So I recycled.
I recycled my body and my energy, I ironically recycled cloths, spent old money to make room for more money, tossed hung-up relationships for more stable new ones and I retraced my trail of thoughts.
I recycled my energy by detoxing and going to hamams. Oh the beauty of a steamed room full of naked women, sweating out the tension in an ancient building, listening to the mild conversations echoing in the room. The bottles of water drunk to replace those lost there, and the dreamless sleep afterwards.
I recycled my clothes to have them replaced with new ones; I picked out those going to the tailors, those going to charity and those going in the bin. All in the belief that they will one day be replaced by prettier more appealing pieces.
I retraced my trail of thoughts about all those things that caused tension in my body, I changed my perspective though and I accepted them. I thanked the asshole that cheated on me, god give him a good life I am better because it. Thank God for those extra days I worked in my father’s shop, I am hard-worker because it. Thank God for being so single for four consecutive years, I am more independent because of it. Thank God for all the money I spent on worthless people, I know how to spend it on worthwhile people now. And I am waiting for all those shitty thoughts to be replaced by new up lifting ones, and so I now feel like the world can send near enough anything my way.
And most importantly I think I have recycled my luck in men by refusing to only believe I pick the bad ones, and at this very moment I am sitting in a lovely man-friends balcony enjoying soup he made me just because its windy out here.