I have a lot to say all the time and as my aunt told me yesterday on a cold pre-winter rainy day I have always had a lot to say. As a loud mouth bossy child I have had my fair share of tantrums. I took a little trip down memory lane, and as I changed locations the vibe stayed.
Talking to a friend and my younger brother over wine in a youthful bar last night, I remember how observant I have always been and how most of my actions have been designed to respond to the request of others. I still blend back easily to my little routine, and as dangerous as it is I require the request and eventually the approval of others. When you live by such rules you tend to think that you are loved on the basis of fulfilling these requests especially if affection is lacking.
See most of my childhood I have spent balancing a normal teenage life and filling the request of others. I have actually felt like an adult from the age 11. I have been aware of all the financial issues my family has had and more depressingly for a child, I was aware of the emotional torment that was evident around me. I couldn’t avoid it I had to. My parents knew little of the language used on foreign waters and I had become their voice and expression. I had little choice and if I could have it any different I would not be involved. For the sake of my childhood sanity I would have played on the streets, watched a little more TV, and made a few more childhood friends.
When I was 19, my then boyfriend was unable to see his family due to the late arrival of his visa. It, like today was the first day of Eid and the day was a family day. He was complaining about being away from them, missing them and wanting to be with them. He thought his life London sucked and he had nothing to hold onto. I tried raising his mood by telling about all the lovely things in his life (including me) and then told him to hold on to the memories of his family and enjoy having any. Because god forbid can you imagine if he was bit like me. He still moaned and went on about how he wanted to go home, he didn’t not understand my point.
He had a lovely loving home he could miss because quite frankly I didn’t have one that I would ever miss. In actual fact I spent most of my life trying to run from all the responsibility given to me, and I knew I wouldn’t miss it. Exactly like I don’t today. My parents I love and understand but I certainly don’t miss living with them. Maybe for the first time in my life I can actually think and act without having the weight of responsibilities.
Now being less observant of the things around me, I have become more critical of myself.
Watching ‘The Help’ yesterday I wondered how nice it would have been to have Aibileen tell me I was kind, smart and important, like she tells baby girl every morning. You see recognition would have been made it so much easier.