Looking around me I can see that I’m moving up on the scale of life but not really moving up into the later stages of my life. Moving up because now I have cheek bags that get bigger as my weight fluctuates and my skin sags, now that I have young’ans that are crawling past up to youth and beyond, now that I have to wear glasses constantly as eyes ache from reading and now that everything I have done in my youth is only fragment of a memory and no good to anybody as the times have changed.
OK, so I talk to these youths who have started to do many things that I had done before, where I was telling the stories before I’m listening to them now and I say stuff like ‘ohh.. I did that when…’ and when the ‘whens’ kick in I go, ‘Shit was it 2004? … no…no it was 2002 when I left school, or was college???’ and then I say ‘awwww… I did that with my first boyfriend too, how cute.’ or ‘that car there rattling about was very stylish when I had one…’ or when I say ‘It was different then…’ it just goes to prove that I have moved a notch up on the scale of ages.
You see I was old before but I had never felt like this. You see I was an oldie at heart from the beginning.
A while back I spoke to a friend about my manfriend, I long lost friend from many many years ago. I told her about my relationship, the age difference, the culture difference and how my expectations from this one was different from the last however many. Her most striking comment I realized was not about the difference of culture and life but it was about the age difference between me him. She said that our mind ages should be around about the same as I ‘was 30 years old at 18…’ I figured she was right, all the rest was more likely to happen in any relationship I was to have in Turkey, even a friend relationship but the fact that I had grown up way before my time was true. Responsibility had taken over my soul then and I guess my bodies just about catching up, the fact that I look like shite is a game Mother Nature is playing with me.
I tell you, we women are made mad, confused and silly and the boys who are nodding their heads while reading are generally those who are oblivious of their own ‘manly’ traits so I don’t feel bad writing this. But seriously, we hand out advise we can barely adhere too (well I try!!), we can differ the rational and irrational but hey, we’re unhappy and hormonal for 3 weeks a month, we never take our own advice and decide to act (!!) irrational… and ball goes to the other team.
The few young’ans in I do have my life that I enjoy the company off, can God, feel like torment sometimes (I love ‘em to bits though). I feel old and wise yet I am neither because I may have mastered my teens but still bloody well haven’t mastered my ‘middies’ ‘ave I?
Just try it, go and try to talking to an adolescent about what their expectations from life are, about ‘what’s-hot-and-what’s-not’ and the bright colours they love, what they have got to say about relationships, listen to them about street fashion – I was queen of street fashion, I have been every urban style there has been (!!) and yet I feel like a left-behind dim wit (!!) while talking to them. Then when I try telling them about how to be with/around men they just look at me… unfazed, my issues don’t apply to them(!!). Can you see ‘my-middies-complex’ steaming out of my ears?
I was young and old a very time long ago, now I’m old and young… or older and young… or younger and old. I am way past my teens, nowhere as mature as everyone around me, responsible but not mature, still living alone as I did in my university years alas more tidy and organised, I still run to daddy for money yet I have a career, I’m a bloody foreigner in the country I was born in and bloody foreigner in the country I grew up in, I live the western culture in an eastern city and vies versa.. Welcome to ‘Confused Bay’ baby… jump on board if you want your boat rocked … coz I tell ya, mine is swingingggg….
The lines were this fuzzy before but my god, age apparently was game I didn’t see coming. I was a young’an with an older heart I had come to terms with that. My heart hasn’t aged but it just has to learn to deal with stuff differently I guess but I think I’ve hit middies a bit early with young heart hanging about for the fun of it.
You following?? Or have I, so much as lost the plot?
Now talking about plots… There’s storm coming our way and I have to come up with a way to ambush the other half to mine tonight. I hate thunder storms, they scare the living day lights out of me and I can never sleep alone. The inner child in me is crying for help you see – desperate measures.