My own personal lost and found list is long, I have over the years found phones, money, a few driving licences, and sunglasses. I have lost just as many plus keys and passwords. I hate losing keys the most though, it’s the bitch.
As time passes Karma knocks on your door and plays the give and take game. My emotional lost and found however, has decided to play other games with me. I have found emotions that make me feel mature and lost my sense of bitterness that has often created a lot of grey cloud over the top of me but, as there always is a ‘but’, I have felt other negative thoughts. Here goes…
Having split from my dear beloved manfriend, I have or the first time in a relationship not felt resentment. Towards him, the relationship or me. As we had tried fighting an endless battle countless times before, our break up email were mature and pleasant. A thank you and an apology for both the ups and downs of the relationship.
All beautifully said and done, I felt mature. No chaotic arguments or accusations, he told me he was shit with words, I told him I had too many. No matter how mature and de-charged I felt after our emailing session, I did feel a sense of discontent. Not towards him but towards life itself. What is this? Another broken rod that the universe has sent me? Or is just an experience to help me achieve a more mature self? Or is it just another reminder of how downright unlucky I am? Or just reminder of how different I am? Or am I just exaggerating it with the ‘find fault in yourself first’ ideology? If not, whose fault it? Is it that there is no fault?
It would have been nice to have something nice thrown at me for a change, you see I feel like I’m going in circles. I’m also getting a bit pissed off at having to accept all the changes the universe is sending me, if it could only hang on a little. I was just about catching up.
No matter how good it was while it lasted, the next step is to figure out what I’m going to do with myself. Like my new tattoo says ‘Patience is a Virtue.’ Like my ex says ‘We now start worrying about the upcoming matches…’ and he is literally talking about relationships. Bless him.
So I found a sense of maturity and lost my melancholic tantrums and replaced it with a more subtle ‘it happens’ attitude. I have endured calmer approach to my loneliness yet it worries me as the moment I start accepting it, it just means I’m not going to do anything to change it.
Change, that’s another thing I’ve found… not sure how that makes me feel. Not sure I’ve lost it or found it.
But like they say, ‘finders keepers.’