I have never had any trouble day dreaming or coming up with the most extravagant stories and actually living them in my head as if they were real. Feeling the emotions, the upsets and re-enacting the moment of anger, triumph, pride, glory, fear, and anything else has become so easy that it has become a doodle to entertain myself. I considered having a psychological disorder and mental disorder but I concluded that if in any case I am mentally mental, I am enjoying myself.
This morning on my way to work I realised I had actually blinded myself and drifted off into another world. I was indulged in the idea of new love, a home and child. The thought that precisely got me thinking was the child bit. I imagined my mother standing over me and nagging me about how I should be nurturing my child. She and my ‘mother-in-law’ would be arguing and bickering on what I should be doing. Even the thought of it got me claustrophobic. The thought of having to ask my nagging my mother to go and leave me alone and the thought of having to tell my ‘mother-in-law,’ that I needed space to soak in my babies baby smell and that I wanted to infuse it with the smell of the baby-father, really got me in a state of panic.
You think I’m broody, by any chance?
Anyway, it all seemed too real. A ‘nice’ kind of real but thinking about it I decided I had matured too much to give up too much for the sake of a child and husband. I realised that the only way I would want all of it is if I can still keep my personality, mental state and ability to day dream. If by any chance I get lost in the frenzy of married life and motherhood I would only want all of this if I am not restricted within confined boundaries – in my mind, soul and body.
I know one person that has done it and this influential person is my very own school-friend-from-many-years-ago. Hats off to her ladies because she did it even with her own share of ups and downs. Let’s hope that my dream-full and mental state can get me halfway to my desired ‘home.’