Every year about this time I have drunk-night-epiphany moment where something feels like it has changed. Yep, and true-to-from last night I got very drunk and woke this morning with large gaps in memory but nevertheless in an enlightened state. Must I add, I only ever end up with large gaps of memory loss when I start mixing my drink. So be warned.
Maybe my memory loss is good thing, like this morning every time I said ‘shit’ or ‘fuck,’ I know it was because I said or did something I didn’t want to but really should have done consciously and it only really happened because I mixed my drinks.
Last night was planned a couple of weeks ago when one of our guys mates approached us and asked us to assist him with coming up with a different and special proposal for his girlfriend, now soon to wife. We planned and edited the idea, set up location and arranged our friends. He did most of work, we came up with the ideas.
Our bride thought it was girlie night out and we had pre-arranged our night with the aura that it was going to be a gossip-filled, men-less night. Obviously she was a bit bedazzled when the lights went out and random friends started popping up about the restaurant with dedicated phrases and pre-arranged expressions. She was shell-shocked and pleased.
Of course the night started there, with booze already in our system I drank more. And more. God, I can be a depressed fucker when I’m drunk. All I was certain of this morning is I felt like a fake, yes I feel happy most of the time and I should but realistically my depressed alcoholic state is not only ugly but in reality I must believe unhappiness is a way of life or something. So, I’m not really unhappy but I just stupidly seem to believe that my melancholic state is only a more suppressing state of mind.
Because lets not forget that the mind is over matter.
In my fight to find myself, some of my soul-searching I guess happened with me looking at my personal relationships for enlightenment and/or satisfaction. Like their nice words and gratitude, their acceptance and consent and maybe similarities in our lives. Wrong maybe but maybe not as we see examples of ‘life’ in these people no matter how oblivious we to their reality. I have always been searching for something but I guess I had to conjure my own mistakes and recognise my own ugly habits before seeing it any clearer.
Don’t get me wrong, I sound like a jealous bitch and those who know will know I am not but there is the ‘why [not] me’ factor. And god knows it not about the proposal but it’s the comparison and it quite generally can be about anything as long as I want to feel melancholic I guess. Oh, did I mention the guy I am head over heels about was there too? We, I guess missed the chance of a relationship by a thread.
So, feeling sheepish and lost this morning I questioned why I subconsciously choose to be unhappy. I, as hell know, I’m not depressed. Lonely yes, but no, not depressed. Even loneliness is actually my illusion, my mind. It tells me I am lonely but realistically my loneliness only comes from comparison of that of others. Let’s call it the ‘why me?’ factor again. Like I said above, satisfaction and/or enlightenment connected to my relationships. My drunken la-di-da’s only bring out my inner untamed and young soul that really is the state I have spent most of my years running from.
Having looked at ‘Mind Over Matter’ examples on the net, I can’t help but think we are so mean to ourselves. I’ll rephrase, why I am so mean to myself. Is positivity so hard? I can’t also help but wonder if it’s genetic. It certainly is a part of my culture and upbringing as all Turks would know that melanchol-ism is infused in our words and daily lives. But really, did I have to wait 27 years before I can truly believe that I am living in a crap-sulky-and-upset mind set?
It never is really that bad, is it?
Reading up on facts about how the mind is stronger than the matter and that there are people running around beating cancer with their minds, while I’m sitting about and feeding my mind with negativity just seems a bit stupid and backward.
How’s that for an epiphany, huh?
But to add to last night, I must say, it was nice to wake to house full of my friends in Istanbul. It is also safe to say they were as drunk as I was last night. Fingers-crossed they have as many gaps in their memory as I did…