My most recent dilemma is quite honestly this: do I stick to an idea, passion, love and desire long enough to see it through? If not, why not?
My current, most suppressing complexity (age), has managed to overtake most of my life, which is a long hauled fact. I realised, during the later part of the evening yesterday, that it, my age actually dictates the way I think, talk and act. Talking to the only ‘Artful Dodger’ I have known, I felt I was conditioning myself to say the right thing… Artful right? Not good.
If I am restricting what I say and do for the sake of an ‘impression’ (if that is even the word for it), is it not ‘I’ creating another version of ‘myself’? Even though it is done unconsciously, is it wrong or right to express myself the way I want to been seen through the eyes of another or is it just being human. Fucked? Or is it?
Impression is everywhere and more so implanted into the system, cultures and even the religions that we are brought up with. What is the limit? Where is the fine line between the norm and damn right risky? We are being pushed and trained to be impressive yet being told that selflessness is the way to go and be happy. How can we in today system be selfless enough to be altruistic? Or is happiness just something else, a selfish, self centred and individualistic thought. We are all guilty of it and its more ‘OK’ now then it has ever been.
A very clever, wise yet young-hearted friend and I recently had a conversation about the altruistic ego. We discussed the actual content but not whether if it should or would be overcome. Could it be overcome?
If we create our lives through the boundaries and in the reflection of our societies, professions and the groups in which we are in, is it actually possible to be selfless? Is it realistic to want such a thing? And where would our dreams be placed in this equation? Are our dreams the desire to ‘create’ some sort of image, impression and/or an expression of something that we have been affected by? Do I want to climb a mountain because it is ‘who I am’ or is it more so ‘who I want be’.
Is that genuinely a decision we can make or is that decision already made for us? Maybe it’s the right thing to do, we should be indulging and reflecting our society but does that make us creators or just takers?
If I can’t have a conversation without my age at the back of mind, does that also mean I’m picking dreams, desires and passions on what I think should be right? According to my age I mean. How many times have we thought about what we would be or where we would be at a particular stage of our lives and how many of us have actually got there on time? I’m basically sitting here creating an image of myself to myself of what I seem to think I want and desire out of life.
Should that not be some kind of happy and fruitful deriving thought that I already have?
I’m disappointed, distraught even with the hand –on-my-forehead-kind-of-melancholic-sigh way because all I seem to think now is that there is no ‘self’ in anything. The system, our culture and even our religions promote altruistic behaviour yet all that we ever really get is an altruistic ego. Fake sense of happiness, is it not? This brings me to my next point, is ignorance really that bliss?