Summer is kicking in, joyous times are in the air and all the fun and partying is still going on. It is pretty much the same summer vibe and yet it still doesn’t seem to be just right. The constant desire to look for something else is boring the daylight out of me because with everything that has changed it’s never really changed.
On Sunday night I found myself asking the same question over and over again. What do I need to change? If something doesn’t seem to be going right something needs to change. But what?
It all happened on the way back from running a chore for my lovely mother. I stopped by a spot that I had spent many of my young adolescent days contemplating my existence. I visit that very same spot every so often and sit there.
I usually never spend more than an hour there. I sit there in silence and switch my phone off. However, on Sunday, I didn’t switch my phone off, I sat there with coffee instead and was only there for about 15 minutes. I like a ‘pause’ sometimes and that is my spot.
The scenery has changed, from the end of 90’s to now they have placed big massive buildings around it. It used to be all green before but now it’s painful on the eyes, heavy with pollution. I ignore all that; all I really ever want to see is the water, even if it is just the River Thames.
On my drive back home though it sort of hit me, I have gone back to that little spot within all the phases of my life. I teared at the thought of how many different phases there has been. Good and bad. I have had so many moments to myself at that very spot with so many different feelings, desires and thoughts that the only constant thing has only ever been the very spot itself.
Well its all water under bridge now but saying that something needs to change. Why in all the years of my existence do I find myself there? Everything has changed from the very first moment I ever went there. It is I now, who has the massive brick walls that are painfull on the eyes and heavy with pollution. And saying that is not that I need to think and/or re-think anything, I don’t think it’s the thinking I need, it’s more like seeking. if that makes any sense?
Yes, it is nice to have a baseline point to measure my life with but I stand in exactly the same place as I was at 13. Everything may be differnt but the only thing I haev taken with me is my attitude. Something needs to change and that something is my attitude.
Not my thoughts, feelings or desires on life, love or rock and roll but my attitude. While the rest are nothing but an ever-changing variable, attitude is always a constant.
Considering how heavy my heart felt on Sunday night and most certainly yesterday, its about the mind now because as the heart has learnt how to pitter-patter in a better rhythm when things go wrong this time it is the mind that is lacking to keep up. Just need to think of a way to balance it up.