‘Oh shit, I’m lacking confidence’

shadowI don’t think anything prepares you to what you feel when your confidence is lacking. What I mean is, it doesn’t have a particular feeling or a specific cause or symptom that makes you go;

‘Oh shit, I’m lacking confidence’ 

You don’t stop and say let me get my mind into gear and build up on those positive thoughts. The fucker creeps up on you like a dark shadow.

The tough bit about the year I have had is that I preferred and chose this life over the one that I had, living aboard. I came back, I put myself into it, and I choose it. It has however left me thinking and missing a part of my life that I had thought would be best to leave behind.

I have accomplished so much in my short time, culturally, academically, personally, socially and even financially. Yet today, I sit here dwelling about the things that I haven’t achieved yet. Not smart, ey?

All the stuff, I see, takes me away from my focus, and I have always had 2 ways out of it. Let it get worse before it gets better or let it go. Both have worked in different aspects of my life. A crap man that will never change, well, let it go. A financial problem that I need to resolve normally means, I need more money to solve the previous one, hence worse.

I have fortunate and unfortunate parts of my day-to-day life, which rhythmically taps the funeral march on my head with a mallet.

All I can say is on good days, I turn my back on this fucker of a shadow and ignore it. However on a bad day, I stare deep into my shadow soul and see a ‘me’ shaped grave on the floor.

I pick and I choose it. I see the game my mind plays but I can’t as yet stop it. So for now, I leave it because what I do know is that when I do come back it will be amazing.

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About An Addled Moment

I came to Istanbul to discover not only this beautiful city and its nightlife but I’m also here to discover me.
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