In my last affair, I call it an affair as I felt conditioned, I feel I didn’t do anything wrong. I use the term wrong loosely and I shall explain why.
I didn’t stand by my mistakes or my faults. I stepped forward with a front that made it seem something but me rather than be me. I didn’t give myself a chance. I feared that my inner darkness would not be appreciated or liked because I found it at fault or wrong or embarrassing, and I quite frankly disliked her myself. I set sail on this relationship on the wrong foot, thinking I was doing myself a favour. Little did I know I would be fronting the face of someone that was not I.
I don’t regret it though, only because I rediscovered the person I ought to be or not be and that this front of mine was way too bothered about what others thought. Here again I speak about myself in 3rd in person and make ‘she’ sound like a damn right idiot but trust me, I am my own worst critique and this might be me saving myself.
I had unknowingly stepped into the darkness a very long time ago. My career had been put in the spot light and criticised by people I didn’t agree with and that only broke my confidence, it broke my soul. I stood by and watched people take digs at my personality and the bit that broke me was the fact that I had lost the ability to fight it. It shook me to the core making me feel like all my faults were all that was highlighted of me. I am my own worst critique; little did I know I was highlighting them.
Anyway, so I stood behind the meek person that I believed to be me and I hated her. I hated that she was hated by me the most, I hated that she was weak and I hated that her biggest battle was within. Because over the years I got to know myself, I knew that I came with my ‘bads’ as well as my ‘goods’ but I got so lost in what I heard and I believed other people so much that I forgot, god damn forgot, I was okay the way I was.
This man brought the worst out of me, I was the only person that saw it because my front had become so good. My inner battle hidden from the eyes of all, I struggled. He literally caused me to battle the devil in me; he doesn’t know it, I never got a chance to tell him. He left way too early.
The explosion of emotion I had towards him just made me wonder if I was worthy of being loved. How funny. The likelihood of being loved left me scared senseless. Because I didn’t love me, the idea of anyone even caring enough to give me shot was absurd.
My friend openly said – ‘stop fronting, this is not you’. He knew me long enough and cared for my fucked up ways and respected them.
I guess in this post I am apologising to myself, for the years I mistreated myself. The last 2 years to be precise as before that I was good at searching my soul. I believed the things others had said out loud and did not see me in my own eyes or through my experiences.
I think this man thought I hiding more than I actually was. My only grudge against him is, he didn’t give me the time I needed battle myself yet I am thankful and at peace because I walked away with more of my myself than I had to begin with.