I’m currently in a situation where self blame is one of the most evident feelings in my life. I look and seem to believe that I am the cause of my of the issues that going on. The sad and daunting fact I maybe part to blame, not with the cause of the issues but the elaboration of them.
I am currently living in a house where my live-in-landlord is an aggressive man. All the textbook traits of an abuser are there, the aggression, the use of his physical presence in conversation, his loud manner, righteous behaviour and constant need for approval and care. I do feel sorry for him but my god, he petrifies me and the other girlies that live with him.
Now as much I know all of this, I still end up feeling like I have done something wrong to piss him off, something to trigger it. Stupid as the only thing that triggers his aggression is the thoughts in his mind not mine. He believes that his aggression is justified and the right response.
I have made arrangements to move out and will be doing so in the next few days but my mind stills falls into the trap of believing that it is my fault. Call it learned behaviour, which it is, like an addict I seem to think the easiest way of justifying all that is happening is by initially blaming myself. I fall into thinking that it is me and it takes persuasion, from me to me, to flip that thought around. It takes re-mending to step away from the self-blame, then I go through emotions of blaming myself for falling into that trap again.
Now this is a relationship, I can put an end to easily. I will lose money and I do have to move back in with my parents but it will all end. Now the feeling that lingers is one that I have to deal with. Self-blame, self-doubt, doubling guessing my and other peoples actions. Like an addict, it is a feeling that I have to manage with care and with a firm approach because it never really goes away until you nurture it. A muscle you build.
I do however think I need to grow a harder shell to stop people like that getting to me. Literally, getting to me enough to effect my day-to-day emotions. When you think that I should be the one in control of my emotions too, it is sometimes difficult to believe that I have such little stamina left in me to find the brave and confident gal, I see myself to be.
So, maybe blaming myself is harsh, but if I flip it around and say I should be using that energy to optimise my time by being more realistic. In that I mean becoming a problem solver rather than a dweller. My time lost in dwelling, is time I could be using to build abetter life for me.