Emailing a friend last night, I realised that some emotions have a time and place. From loneliness to being happy, you have a period in which it must be lived. London is very empty this year and no matter how much I wanted to be here this summer, it has been proved that company it of utmost importance.
My lovely brother and his girlfriend are missed in the house, my daily routine of work and play and the absence of money are also deeply missed too.
Summer is kicking in, joyous times are in the air and all the fun and partying is still going on. It is pretty much the same summer vibe and yet it still doesn’t seem to be just right. The constant desire to look for something else is boring the daylight out of me because with everything that has changed it’s never really changed.
On Sunday night I found myself asking the same question over and over again. What do I need to change? If something doesn’t seem to be going right something needs to change. But what?
It all happened on the way back from running a chore for my lovely mother. I stopped by a spot that I had spent many of my young adolescent days contemplating my existence. I visit that very same spot every so often and sit there.
Trying to type this up at 1am in the morning last night I fell asleep with the laptop on my lap. Trying to stick to the point and get it out of my system I guess.
My most recent dilemma is quite honestly this: do I stick to an idea, passion, love and desire long enough to see it through? If not, why not?
My current, most suppressing complexity (age), has managed to overtake most of my life, which is a long hauled fact. I realised, during the later part of the evening yesterday, that it, my age actually dictates the way I think, talk and act. Talking to the only ‘Artful Dodger’ I have known, I felt I was conditioning myself to say the right thing… Artful right? Not good.
In the circle of life I have found myself back in the roll things without missing a beat. I am out and about still doing all the things that I would be doing if I had never left. If I’m not meeting people, I’m meeting up with new and old friends. If I’m not working, I’m a property investor as my Ukulele playing friend keeps saying. Without skipping a beat I have been keeping myself busy.
Having had a couple of emotionally shit days, I have hopscotched around a few very potent emotions that have left me, yet again looking up at the dark London skies, screaming, “Are you there God? It’s me Sinem.”